You'd think by now that I'm used to it! I've been a step-mother now for 6 years and it still drives me mad that people assume because my SS is from a split-family that he has a hard life. You probably won't be surprised to know that the main culprit for this is my Mother and Father-in-Law. They always think that he has it really hard and any behavioural problems that we have with him are always put down to the fact that he has such a bad family background.
For the record, he was 2 years old when his parents split up and approximately 30 months old when both of his parents settled down with their respective partners. Both parents are now happily married and he sees them equally. He has a very priveleged life with his Mother and Step-Father who both have very well paid jobs, live in a very nice house with a big bedroom, have nice cars and he goes on better holidays with them than I could ever dream of.
We live comfortably, I'm a stay-at-home Mum so obviously we are one salary down but happiness isn't all about money. We have a nice house, drive nice cars and go on lots of great family holidays/weekends in the UK. We love camping and the great outdoors, we take the children to Legoland every year and if there is a Zoo around, we will find it!! On our weekends with my SS we make sure that we do things as a family, whether that be swimming, walking in the park or visiting the seaside. We find things to do that mean we spend time together. Obviously we have to do the normal household stuff at a weekend like food shopping and cleaning but let's face it, it doesn't take the entire weekend!
Tonight, we received a phone call from my Mother-in-Law telling us that my husband needs to make sure he takes at least one day off per week through the summer holidays to spend with his Son and if possible a further week's holiday too. No mention of spending time with our daughter, its always about his Son. At what point does she think that we would be planning our holidays for the summer to NOT involve him? I generally arrange to have him one or two days per week through the school holidays, my mother-in-law normally has him one day per week, his Mum's mum has him one or two days per week and he sometimes spends a day a week with his Aunt because his cousin is the same age and is his best friend. Hubby generally arranges to have at least one week off during the holidays where we will go away as a family and then if work permits he has other days off as and when he can. His Mum does similar, though generally has him less than we do - opting instead to let her Mum have him on her behalf.
When it is our daughter's birthday, the In-Laws (including my Sister-in-Law) and MY auntie buy my SS a present too - because they don't want him to feel left out. But when it is my SS's birthday - our daughter doesn't get a present from (a) the In-Laws or (b) MY auntie. This drives me up the wall as we have always treated both of our children equally and now other people are making them "different". Even my SS has asked why he gets presents on his sister's birthday but she doesn't get them on his!? So far we have been unable to come up with a reasonable excuse but tell him that he's just lucky. But when our daughter is old enough to understand and asks the same question, what do we tell her?
My In-Laws have also asked if they can take him away on holiday with them for a long weekend during the summer holidays but have not offered to take our daughter. They said that he doesn't get much so it will be something for him to look forward to! He has just come back from two weeks in Egypt with his Mum!!!! That was his second foreign holiday this year with her. He has has had 2 weeks away with us so far this year with us - ok both in the UK but still he has had two holidays. So in total he has had 5 weeks away already and we're only in July! Does that sound like he doesn't get much to you?
Do you have step-children? Do you come across this? Am I being unreasonable?
I firmly believe that all children should be treated equally whether they be in the family full-time or part-time. Our children have money spent on them equally, they are both disciplined exactly the same and receive equal amounts of our time and attention but I'm sick to death of being "told" how we should parent our SS.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
How did I get here?
I have always said that I have no regrets in my life, everything that I have done, every person that I've met, every place that I have been has lead me to become the person that I am today.
I've always been a pretty honest and open person, my motto has been "take me as you find me, if you like me - great! If you don't - c'est la vie!". I had a very happy childhood and never felt that I had missed out on anything. I was raised by Mum and I think she's done a pretty good job, even if I do say so myself. We lived with my Grandparents initially until my Nan died and my Grandad moved away but that all just added to me feeling part of something bigger. When I reached school years I realised that my family unit was slightly different as I was lacking a Dad but honestly, it didn't matter. My Mum provided me with everything I needed, she worked full time but she was always there to take me to school and pick me up at the end of the day. We always spent lots of time together at weekends and had great holidays together. From the earliest of ages I knew that she would always be my best friend, and she still is today.
At school, I wasn't part of the "in" crowd, but I wasn't a "geek" either. I was just me, I never "kissed ass" I just blended in. I made pretty good grades in my exams and my mum was always openly proud of me.
Upon leaving school I decided not to attend University like my friends, I just didn't feel the need. I wanted to get out there and get on with my life. I found a good job and settled down to being me. I still lived with my Mum, like I said, she was my best friend - we would shop together, go out dancing and living life together, we were happy. UNTIL I met my first really serious boyfriend, then things got difficult - our relationship became strained as she found that she had to share me. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I wanted to pursue my new relationship, but on the other I could see that I was hurting the one person who had always been my constant. After a few years my Mum moved to a different area and in a way I felt that I could breathe again, how guilty did I feel for having these thoughts!
Some years later my relationship broke down and I left the area too and returned home to my Mum, albeit in a new town where I knew no-one, had no job, it was just me and my Mum again. Initially it was hard returning home after being the homemaker for so many years but we adapted and soon settled into a new way of life together. I found a new job, joined a gym and quickly started to make new friends. Mum and I would go out at weekends and dance the night away, then shopped til we dropped in the daytime. Life was good!
On starting my new job I made some friends which hopefully I will have for life, some of the girls that I worked with became mothers at the same time as me so even though we don't work together we still have lots of contact. One friend in particular is my husband, my best friend (well other best friend alongside my Mum). We were friends for nearly two years before we became intimate. He was married when I first started working with him and they had their son together. But office gossip told me that they weren't a happy family unit. I'm very much from the school of thought that families should stick together, so as our friendship grew I encouraged him and offered him advice as much as possible on how to make things better with his wife. The first time I met her was at a work's party, initially she was very hostile but as the drinks flowed she mellowed, so much so that she started to throw herself at two of the men that me and her husband worked with!! She then started chatting to me, telling me how her husband was basically a plonker and she didn't have any time for him. Nice woman!!
Some months later on a work's night out, me and a few colleagues ran into his wife in a bar with her face firmly stuck to another guy. Since her husband was out with us and was on his way to join us from a previous bar, we suggested that she might like to vacate the premises with her "man" before her husband arrived. Needless to say about 2 months later, they decided to call time on their relationship.
Over the next 3-4 months I consoled my friend (now Hubby) on the breakdown of his marriage and helped him to pick himself up. He met a few girls through his local football team and went on various dates. I on the other hand was enjoying the company of a guy I'd met through the gym. But on a lunch non-date with my friend he told me that he had developed feelings for me and was jealous whenever I talked about my guy from the gym. I told him that nothing could happen between us because he was my best friend and I didn't want to spoil things. He seemed to accept it and we carried on as normal. But somewhere in the back of my mind, he had triggered something, I was attracted to him, he made me laugh like no-one else, he knew my innermost thoughts and feelings. I talked it over with a few girlfriends, they quickly told me that I was an idiot as it was obvious that we were meant to be together. So, at our next meeting we talked things through and decided to give it a go. We talked about everything from thoughts on second time marriage (for him), having children - the works. At the end of the day he had his son to consider and we didn't want to go into this and make things worse for his son.
We took things very slowly in the beginning, odd dates here and there. Occasionally bringing his son along on days out (but no holding hands in front of him or kissing). Then once he was used to me being there, we would sometimes hold hands, then kiss. We then moved on to meals at his house whilst his son was around and eventually, after 5 months I stayed over the night. Another 3 months and I moved in and the rest, as they say, is history.
We have now been happily married for 3 years and have our daughter together. Our son stays with us part-time each week and loves his sister unconditionally.
All sounds like quite as easy path doesn't it? Well, it hasn't been . . . .
I've always been a pretty honest and open person, my motto has been "take me as you find me, if you like me - great! If you don't - c'est la vie!". I had a very happy childhood and never felt that I had missed out on anything. I was raised by Mum and I think she's done a pretty good job, even if I do say so myself. We lived with my Grandparents initially until my Nan died and my Grandad moved away but that all just added to me feeling part of something bigger. When I reached school years I realised that my family unit was slightly different as I was lacking a Dad but honestly, it didn't matter. My Mum provided me with everything I needed, she worked full time but she was always there to take me to school and pick me up at the end of the day. We always spent lots of time together at weekends and had great holidays together. From the earliest of ages I knew that she would always be my best friend, and she still is today.
At school, I wasn't part of the "in" crowd, but I wasn't a "geek" either. I was just me, I never "kissed ass" I just blended in. I made pretty good grades in my exams and my mum was always openly proud of me.
Upon leaving school I decided not to attend University like my friends, I just didn't feel the need. I wanted to get out there and get on with my life. I found a good job and settled down to being me. I still lived with my Mum, like I said, she was my best friend - we would shop together, go out dancing and living life together, we were happy. UNTIL I met my first really serious boyfriend, then things got difficult - our relationship became strained as she found that she had to share me. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I wanted to pursue my new relationship, but on the other I could see that I was hurting the one person who had always been my constant. After a few years my Mum moved to a different area and in a way I felt that I could breathe again, how guilty did I feel for having these thoughts!
Some years later my relationship broke down and I left the area too and returned home to my Mum, albeit in a new town where I knew no-one, had no job, it was just me and my Mum again. Initially it was hard returning home after being the homemaker for so many years but we adapted and soon settled into a new way of life together. I found a new job, joined a gym and quickly started to make new friends. Mum and I would go out at weekends and dance the night away, then shopped til we dropped in the daytime. Life was good!
On starting my new job I made some friends which hopefully I will have for life, some of the girls that I worked with became mothers at the same time as me so even though we don't work together we still have lots of contact. One friend in particular is my husband, my best friend (well other best friend alongside my Mum). We were friends for nearly two years before we became intimate. He was married when I first started working with him and they had their son together. But office gossip told me that they weren't a happy family unit. I'm very much from the school of thought that families should stick together, so as our friendship grew I encouraged him and offered him advice as much as possible on how to make things better with his wife. The first time I met her was at a work's party, initially she was very hostile but as the drinks flowed she mellowed, so much so that she started to throw herself at two of the men that me and her husband worked with!! She then started chatting to me, telling me how her husband was basically a plonker and she didn't have any time for him. Nice woman!!
Some months later on a work's night out, me and a few colleagues ran into his wife in a bar with her face firmly stuck to another guy. Since her husband was out with us and was on his way to join us from a previous bar, we suggested that she might like to vacate the premises with her "man" before her husband arrived. Needless to say about 2 months later, they decided to call time on their relationship.
Over the next 3-4 months I consoled my friend (now Hubby) on the breakdown of his marriage and helped him to pick himself up. He met a few girls through his local football team and went on various dates. I on the other hand was enjoying the company of a guy I'd met through the gym. But on a lunch non-date with my friend he told me that he had developed feelings for me and was jealous whenever I talked about my guy from the gym. I told him that nothing could happen between us because he was my best friend and I didn't want to spoil things. He seemed to accept it and we carried on as normal. But somewhere in the back of my mind, he had triggered something, I was attracted to him, he made me laugh like no-one else, he knew my innermost thoughts and feelings. I talked it over with a few girlfriends, they quickly told me that I was an idiot as it was obvious that we were meant to be together. So, at our next meeting we talked things through and decided to give it a go. We talked about everything from thoughts on second time marriage (for him), having children - the works. At the end of the day he had his son to consider and we didn't want to go into this and make things worse for his son.
We took things very slowly in the beginning, odd dates here and there. Occasionally bringing his son along on days out (but no holding hands in front of him or kissing). Then once he was used to me being there, we would sometimes hold hands, then kiss. We then moved on to meals at his house whilst his son was around and eventually, after 5 months I stayed over the night. Another 3 months and I moved in and the rest, as they say, is history.
We have now been happily married for 3 years and have our daughter together. Our son stays with us part-time each week and loves his sister unconditionally.
All sounds like quite as easy path doesn't it? Well, it hasn't been . . . .
Why "The Masked Mummy"?
To most people this would appear to be a strange name for a blog, but let me explain. I have been blogging now for a little over a year under a different name. I enjoy blogging but I have found it to be a little bit restrictive, particularly because friends and family regularly read my blog. There are parts of my life that I want to be able to share with people but always feel that I cannot do so because it will offend someone. I wanted to lift my censors and talk freely about my life. I am not going behind anyone's back, just merely trying to spare their feelings without adding pressure on myself.
So who am I? First and foremost, I'm a very happy Mother to a beautiful little girl, Gem and I have the great pleasure in being a step-Mother to my husband's son from his first marriage, Billy. I am currently expecting our third child and of course I am very happily married to the long suffering Mr Mask. Other than that I am a daughter to my amazing mother and daugther-in-law to my husband's parents.
I want to share with you how it really feels to be a step-mother, what its like to find out in adulthood that you are NOT an only child, that you have brothers and sisters. That only in adulthood do you find out who you really are and where you came from.
I hope that you will follow this journey with me . . . . .
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