You'd think by now that I'm used to it! I've been a step-mother now for 6 years and it still drives me mad that people assume because my SS is from a split-family that he has a hard life. You probably won't be surprised to know that the main culprit for this is my Mother and Father-in-Law. They always think that he has it really hard and any behavioural problems that we have with him are always put down to the fact that he has such a bad family background.
For the record, he was 2 years old when his parents split up and approximately 30 months old when both of his parents settled down with their respective partners. Both parents are now happily married and he sees them equally. He has a very priveleged life with his Mother and Step-Father who both have very well paid jobs, live in a very nice house with a big bedroom, have nice cars and he goes on better holidays with them than I could ever dream of.
We live comfortably, I'm a stay-at-home Mum so obviously we are one salary down but happiness isn't all about money. We have a nice house, drive nice cars and go on lots of great family holidays/weekends in the UK. We love camping and the great outdoors, we take the children to Legoland every year and if there is a Zoo around, we will find it!! On our weekends with my SS we make sure that we do things as a family, whether that be swimming, walking in the park or visiting the seaside. We find things to do that mean we spend time together. Obviously we have to do the normal household stuff at a weekend like food shopping and cleaning but let's face it, it doesn't take the entire weekend!
Tonight, we received a phone call from my Mother-in-Law telling us that my husband needs to make sure he takes at least one day off per week through the summer holidays to spend with his Son and if possible a further week's holiday too. No mention of spending time with our daughter, its always about his Son. At what point does she think that we would be planning our holidays for the summer to NOT involve him? I generally arrange to have him one or two days per week through the school holidays, my mother-in-law normally has him one day per week, his Mum's mum has him one or two days per week and he sometimes spends a day a week with his Aunt because his cousin is the same age and is his best friend. Hubby generally arranges to have at least one week off during the holidays where we will go away as a family and then if work permits he has other days off as and when he can. His Mum does similar, though generally has him less than we do - opting instead to let her Mum have him on her behalf.
When it is our daughter's birthday, the In-Laws (including my Sister-in-Law) and MY auntie buy my SS a present too - because they don't want him to feel left out. But when it is my SS's birthday - our daughter doesn't get a present from (a) the In-Laws or (b) MY auntie. This drives me up the wall as we have always treated both of our children equally and now other people are making them "different". Even my SS has asked why he gets presents on his sister's birthday but she doesn't get them on his!? So far we have been unable to come up with a reasonable excuse but tell him that he's just lucky. But when our daughter is old enough to understand and asks the same question, what do we tell her?
My In-Laws have also asked if they can take him away on holiday with them for a long weekend during the summer holidays but have not offered to take our daughter. They said that he doesn't get much so it will be something for him to look forward to! He has just come back from two weeks in Egypt with his Mum!!!! That was his second foreign holiday this year with her. He has has had 2 weeks away with us so far this year with us - ok both in the UK but still he has had two holidays. So in total he has had 5 weeks away already and we're only in July! Does that sound like he doesn't get much to you?
Do you have step-children? Do you come across this? Am I being unreasonable?
I firmly believe that all children should be treated equally whether they be in the family full-time or part-time. Our children have money spent on them equally, they are both disciplined exactly the same and receive equal amounts of our time and attention but I'm sick to death of being "told" how we should parent our SS.
Your blog is striking a note with me. I too have a blended family which is very complicated. My inlaws when alive bless them were very good to me, but it is my two eldest step-children which cause all the problems,the daughter in particular is a vile person. She is the one who creates a difference between the children and plays one off against the other. Her father and I have been together now 17 years...you would think she would have given it up by now!
ReplyDeleteYour mother-in-law isn't your boss. OK, I know it's hard to deal with some of them, but she can "tell" you all she wants. You don't have to do it though.
ReplyDeleteYou need to point out, forcefully, that you have two children and you try to treat them equally. Perhaps thank her for her input and tell her you have talked it over with your husband and decided X,Y,Z.
Tell her that even your SS has noticed something odd about the birthday gift thing. In fact, you should read out bits of this post ver batim, as it makes your position very easy to understand.
I can see where people come from when they worry about him "not having it easy" in one respect. He is the product of a relationship that no longer exists; he is the child whose parents have moved on and had other families. At some level, that might make him feel a bit different, but treating him as such (like your MIL would have) is only going to make that worse.
I don't envy you.
Presumably your Mother-in-Law is ALSO Gran to your Daughter. She desperately needs to treat them equally or there will be behavioural problems but it won't be from the Step Son, it will be from her poor Grand-daughter who feels left out and passed over.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find a way of letting her know that she is important too.
I know a broken family can have a massive effect on the child (it did on me) but yours sounds like a perfect balance. Whereas mine involved me not seeing my Dad for 12 years.
Liska xx